Breaking News: Kevin O’Leary Still on TV Despite Being Sh!t

TORONTO, ON, Canada, (DE) - Dateline Earth has learned Kevin O’ Leary is still sh!t. In other news: O’ Leary Funds continue to suck, however, like many other crack-smoking conservatives in this city, or Ben Bernanke snorting cash straight off the printing press in Washington, Ol’ Crome Dome is so hopped-up on goof-balls and Shiraz that he’s got no idea just how bad the situation is. And if that wasn’t enough!? The sonofab!tch is STILL on television, which is sick and gross and bad for your health.

Sucking the government tit: O' Leary on another government-funded TV show that sucks.

Sucking the government tit: O’ Leary on another government-funded TV show that sucks.

Look, I’m not gonna sugar-coat this for the sake of the CBC. Dick Ballantine generally loves the CBC. But Dick Ballantine has something to get off his chest: You know that CBC Dragon Show? Lizard Ranch? Dragon Something…You know the show: where the badly-dressed and un-funny, asshole, rich-people sit on a stage and make fun of dumb guys begging for cash? Well, it’s shit. It’s also sick and grosslike porn for lame-ass, adult-contemporary, vanilla-flavored, corporate approval-junkies. The show makes Dick Ballantine puke.

And if I ever see O’ Leary on the street, he better get his gloves off quick, cause I’m gonna bitch-slap him, like I bitch-slapped Dick Cheney in Miami, Florida.

Cheney just prior to being taken out to the wood-shed by Ballantine.

Cheney just prior to being firmly escorted out to the wood-shed by Big-Daddy Ballantine.

Be that as it may, the height of hypocrisy is that this O’ Leary guy, loves to play the big butter-and-egg man from Chicago while spewing his puss-filled nonsense to the eternally mesmerized Amanda Lang, on yet another government subsidized show for @ssholes called, The Lang and O’Leary Economics Amateur Hour. Dick Ballantine has an idea: instead of shopping for a another pair of shoes, Amanda Lang should do the world a friggin’ favor and tattoo a warning label on her esteemed colleague’s, giant, bald head. Could read as follows: Warning! This guy is a friggin’ clown who doesn’t know his ass from Page 9 and is totally full of sh!t.

You see, O’ Leary is the type of sleazy moron who tries to convince people that “the market” will magically fix all the problems of the world. He supports unbridled  deregulation of everything, despite the fact that out-of-control deregulation f@cked the economy in 2008 and led to the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression. He hates government involvement in the economy, and yet has a boner for China and applauds Lisa Raitt infringing on middle-class Canadian’s Democratic rights to collective bargaining. He also spends much of his spare time wishing he was Jamie Dimon, thinks Margaret Thatcher was a hero and voted for George W. Bush…twice!

But wait, it get’s better: your tax dollars are paying Mr. Wonderful’s salary each and every day, because this guy works just down the street at the CBC (which is, in fact, a Crown Corporation). And, since O’Leary funds are tanking, his business career was a bust, his wine sucks-ass and he is wrong on everything…a government job is about all this loser can get. If it wasn’t for constantly sucking off the tax-payer tit, he’d be broke. He’d be crawling around in the gutter on Bay Street, begging for a job.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.

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Conservative Crack-Cocaine Epidemic…Wallin’s Hair Unreasonable

OTTAWA, Canada (DE) – It’s official – the Canadian political landscape is dealing with a major crack-cocaine epidemic. Earlier this week, the shocking allegations that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (see article below), has turned into a Justin-Trudeau-hating, crack-smoker, sent shock-waves around the civilized world. And today, more bad news for the fascists, as rumors continue to surface alleging Prime Minister Stephen Harper was also high on crack when he referred to Senator Pamela Wallin’s, $350, 000.00 worth of travel expenses as “reasonable.”

Wallin's Hair: unreasonable.

Wallin’s Hair: unreasonably large and totally unjustified…just like her travel expenses.

To put this in perspective, $350, 000.00 is approximately SEVEN TIMES the average Canadian’s TOTAL income. In fact, it has been reported that the Senator’s latest hair-style, which is also ridiculously large and nearly as bad as her expense report, recently threatened to resign over the matter.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.

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Rob Ford Smokes Crack? Ballantine Begs To Differ

TORONTO, ON., Canada (DE) – Rob Ford is a crackhead? Dick Ballantine is shocked and chagrined, disappointed and dismayed. But even more so, Dick Ballantine is skeptical of the validity of these heinous and salacious accusations. How is it, in the name of everything that is Holy, that Rob Ford, Champion Mayor of the Great City of Toronto, finds himself mired in the stench of a now international-sized scandal, alleging an addiction to crack-cocaine and a dislike of Justin Trudeau? I call bullsh!t!…because who doesn’t like Justin Trudeau, right!? Also, maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but I thought people on crack were supposed to be, um…thinner? No, there is another explanation here. One that requires a modicum of empathy and understanding…let Dick Ballantine provide some insight on the matter.

Rob Ford in da House: The Fordmeister checks in to Jane and Finch Weight-Loss Clinic.

Rob Ford checks in to the Jane and Finch Weight-Loss Clinic.

I’ve partied with Rob Ford and I can attest to the fact that he is, in fact, an absolute wild animal after eighteen or twenty beers. A really large wild animal, with a super-natural capacity for consuming enormous amounts of alcohol…mainly because of his girth. But one thing Rob Ford is not, is a crack-head. There is a distinct and stark difference between being a regular smoker of crack cocaine and what Mr. Ford was allegedly caught on tape doing…which was as follows:

The Golden Buffalo performs mating ritual in it's natural habitat.

The Golden Buffalo in it’s natural habitat.

After innocently knocking back a couple of cases of beer, a half-bottle of Stolychnaya vodka and smoking two ounces of Mexican Tied-Stick, Mr. Ford stumbled a bit offside, like a kind of big, cuddly, Golden Buffalo, and suddenly, and by complete unanticipated happenstance, found himself in a shady motel room in the west end of the city. Mr. Ford arrived at said motel room, ostensibly under the assumption that he was attending a fund raiser for Senator Mike Duffy, and that the room was in fact rented under Senator Pamela Wallin’s name and appropriately written off at tax-payer expense. At that point, The Fordmeister General, being clearly inebriated, his mental faculties being impaired, was handed what he thought was a “hash-pipe” and mistakenly “hit the rock”. A short time later, the Mayor allegedly called Justin Trudeau a “fag” and proceeded to pour an entire jar of mustard all over his bear chest…all of which was, again allegedly, captured on video.

So? So what!? So, big f@cking deal. That’s nothing! That’s a Tuesday night in many parts of the civilized world. It’s barely a Monday morning for a member of the Kennedy clan. This kind of thing has a tendency to happen at the highest levels of public office and should always be viewed or regarded, as a kind of bi-product of the high-powered “alpha” temperament and drive that is inherent in any world class politician. So, lets not be too quick to rush to judgement here, before we are in possession of all the facts, lest we rid ourselves, unnecessarily, of yet another gifted and righteous politician.

Dick Ballantine, Dateline Earth.

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Leafs Sh!t Bed in Beantown…but was it avoidable?

BOSTON, MASS., United States (DE) -  The Toronto Maple Leafs made history Monday night, by inexplicably blowing a 4 – 1 lead with 10 minutes to play in Game 7 versus the Boston Bruins. Like stabbing oneself in the penis with a broken 1970′s-style, solid-glass ashtray after a bad night of drinking, the Leafs hit the self-destruct button and effectively tossed what had become a great bounce-back season right down the toilet.

“Can somebody please explain to me what the f*ck just happened?”, a stunned and obviously inebriated Leafs Head Coach, Randy Carlyle, grunted as he stumbled his way to the podium for the post-game presser. “I blame myself ” Carlyle admitted when asked who should be held accountable, “In retrospect the defense pairing of Jean Van de Velde and Bill Buckner was a bad choice.”

Leaf's Coach Randy Carlyle.

Happy Days: A more sober Randy Carlyle with hair.

Yes, just when you thought a franchise couldn’t suck any harder, the Toronto Maple Leafs added bitter, gut-wrenching humiliation to it’s long and prolific tradition of futility and failure. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in new and evermore creative ways is now becoming the hallmark of the most hated franchise in the history of the sporting Universe. The club’s sickly sweet and total bullshit slogan, “The passion that unites us all…” serves as a constant reminder of the unmitigated hubris of the evil corporate gangsters who have taken an under-performing but once-loveable club and turned it into a league-wide joke.

I’d give you a recap of the game but I’ve blocked it all out. A benevolent combination of a massive scotch-whiskey drunk and large quantities of pharmaceutical grade synthetic heroine has thankfully wiped my psychological slate clean of much of the residue of the match. So let’s not look back…otherwise I might actually have to face extradition charges and appear in a Massachusetts court of law. Instead let’s work in the realm of the hypothetical today and examine what might have been…or better yet, what I would have done.

For Milk Johnson it all comes down to two simple rules when protecting a lead with less than a minute to play: don’t be a friggin’ candy-ass and always, always! use your stick liberally.

Third periods in this saddest of all playoff series, have long since melted and blurred into one big collective Leaf implosion, with an array of lost draws and too many anxious giveaways. So I’m ball-parking when I say it was Game 5 when the Leafs, having played the entire third period in their own zone, while being bitch-slapped and outworked by even the smallest and most European of the Bruins, finally took a hard penalty. Now short one man on the ice, Leaf fans everywhere went hard to the Valium and sprinted for the liquor cabinet, in full expectation of total collapse…but it didn’t happen. The penalty actually helped the Leafs, because now, instead of panicky hard-arounds and failed flip outs to avoid icing calls, the Leafs were able to confidently hammer the puck the full length of the ice and run the clock. No icing, no lost face-offs and the clock keeps ticking.

Fast-forward to 22 seconds left in Game 7 and a tenuous one-goal Leaf lead. Big Zdeno Chara a.k.a. Man-Mountain Dean, casually parks his 7-foot-2 frame in front of the Leaf goal. Now, think back to Milk Johnson’s two simple rules for protecting a lead. Then think back to the 1972 Canada-Russia Summit Series…John Ferguson. Bobby Clarke. Then think New York Islander’s goaltender Billy “I’ll break your G*ddamned f*ckin ankle if you stand in my crease” Smith…what we now have here is a winning game-plan beginning to take shape.

Boston Captain Zdeno Chara takes up postion in front of the Leaf net.

Boston Captain Zdeno Chara takes up position in front of the Leaf net.

Let’s scenario this beauty out: that big ugly sonnofab*tch Chara is in front of the net with 22 seconds left, the leafs can’t clear the zone and goaltender James Reimer cannot see around the lumbering mutant infringing on his crease. What Mssr’s Ferguson, Clarke and Smith would propose, is for Mr. Reimer, to deliver a huge Billy Smith-style, double-fisted hack to the back of Chara’s unprotected ankle, just above his skate. When executed properly and with the correct amount of force, the ankle will surely break. Almost as good as an empty net goal at this point and infinitely more satisfying.

With this one stroke of the axe you’ve accomplished 3 very important things 1) Chara is lying on the ice writhing in pain and grabbing at his badly fractured ankle like an Italian soccer player – a fortunate bi-product of this situation is that the entire bottom half of the net is now covered by Chara’s hulking carcass! Just like that. 2) There is a general confusion which siphons more time off the clock while the Bruins decide whether to retaliate with force, attempt to score a goal or phone in for a very large ambulance. 3) A melee ensues – van Reimsdyk squares off with Lucic, Boychuck loses his shit on Grabovski…Jagr wets his pants.

Now, when the dust settles, the blood is scraped off the playing surface and the refs have regained  a modicum of control over the increasingly savage proceedings, check out the new and fantastic paradigm at ice level: you’ve got about 15 seconds on the clock, Milan Lucic in the box for fighting, Johnny Boychuck tossed for tearing Grabovski a new anus, Jagr whimpering in the corner like a twelve-year-old girl and Chara en route to the nearest hospital. The Leafs win! The Leafs win! The Leafs win!

Milk Johnson for Dateline Earth Sports.

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Assassination of Gaddafi’s son sparks Libyan outrage…UN forced to bug-out

TRIPOLI, Libya (DE) – - The death of Col. Gaddafi’s youngest son last week (in a bombing raid that also killed other innocent civilians) was quickly over-shadowed by the Bin Laden assassination dog-and-pony-show. This latest Whie House song-and-dance starred Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton posing for fake photos in “the Situation room” and concluded with Bin Laden being buried at sea.

Above: Now we know why its called "the Situation room." Biden, Obama and Clinton at their weekly screening of Jersey Shore.

In other news, the Libyan people, that the US, Britain and France are purported to be protecting, with their high-altitude bombing, are now officially pissed.

Yes, in case CNN didn’t cover this story, the UN has had to shut down it’s Tripoli office and bug out, after a mob of angry protesters sacked the building in retaliation for “coalition” airstrikes. The UK embassy was also overrun. Looks like Libya has now officially received more than enough “help” from Obama, Cameron and Sokarzy .

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John King poops pants during CNN’s Bin Laden bullsh!t

WASHINGTON, United States (DE) – - Ballantine is finding it difficult to address the phony Osama Bin Laden assassination story without becoming physically ill. And it looks as if I’m not alone.

Above: King orders another round, minutes before going to air. His dry-mouth and ativan-induced stupor said it all on a news night marred by complete bullsh!t.

Take CNN’s “coverage” of the historic “event” that featured Senior White House correspondent John King, filling his pants while apparently in the middle of some kind of guilt-ridden, dry-mouthed, flop-sweat act.  It seems that the normally razor-sharp King was wrestling with second-thoughts, about having to sell this red-herring to the American people. And rightly so Johnny!

One full news cycle had yet to elapse before chinks in the armor started to become gaping holes in a story that had very little chance of holding water to begin with. I’ve got three words for the Obama administration: release the photos…and make sure you do a better job of photo-shopping those bad-boys than you did on your phony birth-certificate.

Above: CIA agent Bin Laden waves bye-bye? My guess is he checked-out long ago...but why waste a perfectly good boogie-man?

And one more thing: how about that beer-swilling stupidity, that took place outside the White House and at ground zero? Looked a lot like these were the same people who were asking the mother-of-all stupid questions the day after 9/11: “Why do they hate us?”

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