TORONTO, ON, Canada, (DE) - Dateline Earth has learned Kevin O’ Leary is still sh!t. In other news: O’ Leary Funds continue to suck, however, like many other crack-smoking conservatives in this city, or Ben Bernanke snorting cash straight off the printing press in Washington, Ol’ Crome Dome is so hopped-up on goof-balls and Shiraz that he’s got no idea just how bad the situation is. And if that wasn’t enough!? The sonofab!tch is STILL on television, which is sick and gross and bad for your health.
Look, I’m not gonna sugar-coat this for the sake of the CBC. Dick Ballantine generally loves the CBC. But Dick Ballantine has something to get off his chest: You know that CBC Dragon Show? Lizard Ranch? Dragon Something…You know the show: where the badly-dressed and un-funny, asshole, rich-people sit on a stage and make fun of dumb guys begging for cash? Well, it’s shit. It’s also sick and gross…like porn for lame-ass, adult-contemporary, vanilla-flavored, corporate approval-junkies. The show makes Dick Ballantine puke.
And if I ever see O’ Leary on the street, he better get his gloves off quick, cause I’m gonna bitch-slap him, like I bitch-slapped Dick Cheney in Miami, Florida.
Be that as it may, the height of hypocrisy is that this O’ Leary guy, loves to play the big butter-and-egg man from Chicago while spewing his puss-filled nonsense to the eternally mesmerized Amanda Lang, on yet another government subsidized show for @ssholes called, The Lang and O’Leary Economics Amateur Hour. Dick Ballantine has an idea: instead of shopping for a another pair of shoes, Amanda Lang should do the world a friggin’ favor and tattoo a warning label on her esteemed colleague’s, giant, bald head. Could read as follows: Warning! This guy is a friggin’ clown who doesn’t know his ass from Page 9 and is totally full of sh!t.
You see, O’ Leary is the type of sleazy moron who tries to convince people that “the market” will magically fix all the problems of the world. He supports unbridled deregulation of everything, despite the fact that out-of-control deregulation f@cked the economy in 2008 and led to the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression. He hates government involvement in the economy, and yet has a boner for China and applauds Lisa Raitt infringing on middle-class Canadian’s Democratic rights to collective bargaining. He also spends much of his spare time wishing he was Jamie Dimon, thinks Margaret Thatcher was a hero and voted for George W. Bush…twice!
But wait, it get’s better: your tax dollars are paying Mr. Wonderful’s salary each and every day, because this guy works just down the street at the CBC (which is, in fact, a Crown Corporation). And, since O’Leary funds are tanking, his business career was a bust, his wine sucks-ass and he is wrong on everything…a government job is about all this loser can get. If it wasn’t for constantly sucking off the tax-payer tit, he’d be broke. He’d be crawling around in the gutter on Bay Street, begging for a job.
Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.