Temporary Foreign Workers: It’s The Economy Stupid!

OTTAWA, ON, Canada (DE) – Let’s face facts, the Harper administration has effectively entered into an agreement (collusion) with Corporate Canada to ensure a steady flow of cheap, obedient and disposable labour into the country. Slavery has always been an extremely lucrative business and in today’s economic game it’s no different. There is a new name for it, but it amounts to the same thing. It’s called the Temporary Foreign Worker Program and it’s being flagrantly abused in various industries across the country to the great profit and delight of @ssh0les from coast-to-coast.

It’s essentially another way to screw the backbone of our society, the middle-class. More specifically it is, in large part, responsible for the fact that schmucks like us have to work two jobs just to make ends meet in this foul Year of Our Lord 2014. In an economic climate devoid of any organic upward pressure on middle-class salaries, CEO compensation as compared to front-line workers dangerously out of proportion and 7% of our citizens unemployed, Canada needs temporary workers about as much as Dick Ballantine needs an angry, festering, venereal wart on the bell-end of his Johnson.

Sometimes foreign workers replacing Canadians is just common sense.

Foreign workers: sometimes it just makes sense.

Despite their market-humping facade, the rat-b@stard Tories have no qualms about intervening and distorting the free market, as long as it benefits the Corporatocracy. For proof of this, look no further than Labour/Transport Minister (and rumoured Fascist) Lisa Raitt, and her unilateral decision to revoke the fundamental democratic right to collective bargaining. This policy allows corporations (and governments) to effectively mandate wages for vast numbers of middle-class citizens. The result is an unholy, preternatural, and formidable downward pressure on the salaries of all ordinary Canadians, which is not just bad for the economy, it’s undemocratic. It’s also sick and gross and it makes Dick Ballantine puke. But just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse for us working stiffs…they came up with temporary foreign workers!

Harper: no caption required.

Harper: no caption required.

McDonald’s Canada (to name just one business entity screwing our fellow citizens) and the market-sucking Tories (again, just one of a number of political entities s@cking us dry) contend that there are certain jobs Canadians just won’t do. Well, Dick Ballantine contends that there are certain thankless dirty jobs that Canadians just won’t do for 10 dollars an hour! You wanna get quality employees? Try paying them more, because that’s how markets are supposed to work. Or, does supply and demand only function to the benefit of Corporations and the investor class?

If NDP leader Tom Mulcair, and Pretty-Boy Justin Trudeau, had any Machiavellian instincts whatsoever, they’d attack Harper like a pack of wild dogs and rip him a brand new asshole on this issue. Cut the “I have a dream” bullshit and get straight to the point, because if there’s one thing Dick Ballantine knows for sure it’s this: next election Canadians are going to vote with their wallets. Unfortunately, Mulcair and Trudeau lack the balls and the imagination to take advantage of the situation. Either that or, more likely, their political bread is being buttered by the very same corporate interests as the rat-bast@rd Tories. Which ever way you want to slice it, the facts should never keep a good politician from exploiting an opponents weakness.

Let’s look to our fine neighbors to the south for some political inspiration here. Why? Because American politics is the Big Leagues…the Show. It’s a true c@nts game. The mealy-mouthed Canadian Left, should do what the Tories do so effectively and emulate some serious, bad-ass politicians in the United States. Harper’s inspiration has clearly been the Neo-Cons and the Bush Cartel. These guys are the Harlem Globe-Trotters of politics…undefeated. Ever. Wanna-be-man-of-the-people Justin Trudeau, could take a page out of a bonafide Heavy-Weight Champion’s playbook too, because, let’s face it, no politician in the modern era, in ANY country, has “played” the position of populist, like “the first African-American President” of the United States: William Jefferson Clinton.

Big Daddy Bush had no defense for Slick Willy's "It's the economy stupid!"

Big Pappy Bush had no defense for Slick Willy’s “It’s the economy stupid!”

Case in point: 1992, Bill  Clinton takes time out from porking his campaign interns to recognize  a significant chink in President George Herbert Walker Bush’s armor: the decline of the middle-class and the fact that the Republicans weren’t gonna to do a damn thing about it. As history teaches us, Clinton had absolutely no intention of addressing this issue in any meaningful way either, but! he did (with the help of James Carville) use it to great political advantage.

Slick Willy attacked and terminated the incumbent with extreme prejudice. All he had to do was speak four simple words: “It’s the economy, stupid!” If Clinton went to Ottawa tomorrow, he and his whiskey-ravaged nose, would be knee deep in poontang and Prime Minister by the end of the week. With game like that and an issue like temporary foreign workers to exploit, it would be a slam dunk! Like Monika Lewinski after two light beers.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.

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Scotch Part 2: A Message to The Scotch Nerds

The Scotch Nerd wins the pennant! The Scotch Nerd wins the pennant! The...

The Scotch Nerd wins the pennant! The Scotch Nerd wins the pennant! The…

TORONTO, ON, Canada (DE) – Initially Dick Ballantine was going to explode all over the Scotch Nerds in an orgy of ridicule, satire, shame and finger-pointing…but Dick got four or five paragraphs into the rant, and realized that the general tone of the piece had become negative and vindictive…and that is NOT the way we do business here at Dateline Earth. Ridicule and satire? Yes. Unsound research methods? Sure. Nothing Sacred School of Comedy? Of course. Negativity? It’s just not productive, and quite frankly, it’s unbecoming.

Be that as it may, Dick Ballantine does have a few things to get off his chest:

1. The Scotch-Nerd phrases, “challenging whisky,” and “beginner whisky” sound a bit ridiculous, to put it as mildly as possible. There are no merit badges handed out at the end of each bottle. When it is all said and done, you pour the whisky into a vessel and put it in your mouth. Enjoy, and repeat.

2. The tendency for Scotch-Nerds to preface every on-line Scotch review with, “…my favourite whiskies are Laphroaig, Lagavulin and Arbeg, but, etc. etc…” …is just tiring. I’m going to take a deep breath… and leave it at that.

3. The term “noobie” for a person who might be enjoying Scotch Whisky for the first time is…well, it’s nerdie. If you feel the need to create a hierarchy here…you’ve missed the point of enjoying a few drinks. But if you absolutely must codify this, why not use neophyte, or even new-guy, or rookie. “Noobie” makes you sound like the administrator on an internet chat board in 1989…which is, again, nerdie.

Louis Armstrong once said, “There ain’t but two things in music: good and bad. Now if it sounds good, don’t worry what it is. Just go ahead and enjoy it.”

Like Satchmo, Dick Ballantine encourages rational thought, critical thinking and a free exchange of ideas…just not from nerds. So, in our next segment, Scotch Part 3: we will set out to find the real deal, the actual aficionados and connoisseurs, the people who, in Dick Ballantine‘s humble estimation, can actually help us to make informed choices at the LCBO and spend our hard-earned cash more wisely. Value for money is the name of the game here kids… and bullsh!t walks…or something like that.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.



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Places you never want to be: Starsky Supermarket Labour Day Weekend

MISSISSAUGA, ON, Canada (DE) – Dick Ballantine, is going to preface this article by saying, that Dick Ballantine loves Poland. I love the beautiful ladies, the schnitzel, the beer , the borscht and I think JP II was the greatest Pope in the history of the Catholic Church. However, I’d rather stand in the low-slot between Scott Stevens and Zdeno Chara than try to get to the cheese counter at Starsky’s Polish Supermarket on the Saturday of a long-weekend.

Patrons of Starsky que-up for schnitzel.

Starsky patrons queue up for smoked-fish and schnitzel.

Traversing the parking lot in anything other than a “hard-car” is risky. Getting in the door without having your ankle broken by a seventy-two year-old lady driving a shopping cart like she’s one of the Malachi Brothers, is an accomplishment, and the produce section moves like the Don Valley Parkway on the Friday before May Two-Four.

Your sense of relief at making visual contact with the deli section is short lived, as you realize that standing between you and the kielbasa are 450 big-boned, expressionless, single-minded survivors of Soviet-era bread-lines. They’ll get body position on you and grind you into dust for a 200 gram slice of gouda and some blood sausage…and that’s just the women.


Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.


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Scotch Part 1: Ballantine’s Finest… A Dumb Way to Get Loaded


Ballantine’s: A Big Bottle of Stupid.

TORONTO, ON, Canada (DE) – Scotch Whisky. Uisce Beatha. The water of life. A magic elixir, but also, an extremely dangerous mind-altering drug. As Sir Robert Bruce Lockhart once remarked, “…there is no Scot who does not know whisky’s dangers. I myself have been near enough to destruction to fear whisky, to respect it and to continue to drink it.”

Those were the exact! words, for which Dick Ballantine was searching, the morning after consuming three-quarters of a bottle of (no relation) Ballantine’s Finest, which retails for $26.95 at the LCBO. The sheer severity of the splitting headache, combined with both the short, and long-term memory loss, were, however, not conducive to the formation of complex syllables into verbal language. As such, it was virtually impossible for me to order a large coffee, never mind quote Robert Bruce Lockhart.

Ballantine’s Finest (the world’s 3rd best-selling Blended Scotch, or something like that) didn’t feel all that fine the morning after. Sitting in the passenger seat of an associate’s luxury-sedan, on the way back from a disastrous late-night poker match, (which was held up-north, in a location that will remain undisclosed for various reasons, but mainly because I can’t remember a damn thing) it was all I could do, not to roll down the window at a hundred and ten kilometres an hour, regurgitate my Tim Horton’s and redistribute it all over the side of the vehicle. Be that as it may, Dick Ballantine, is not here to explore the inherent health risks of suicidal binge-drinking, or even the social, moral and emotional implications that arise from the sickening, physical ability to drink (and keep down) half-a-litre of whisky in one sitting.

No, Dick Ballantine is here to talk Scotch Whisky in general, and promote responsible drinking! Over the course of the next few segmentsimagesJ247QY44 we’re going to enter the scintillating and controversial on-going debate raging around ice, figure out which style of glass to use and where to use it and, of course, review a few bottles ourselves.

Furthermore, we will seek to answer the question, who are the Scotch nerds? Which ones are worth listening to, and which ones are shite. We will review the reviewers, shall we say. Critique the critics. We’ll get “all nerdy” on the nerds. Not just because they’re nerds, but because there are a lot of guys getting way too precious and pretentious about Whisky and, as usual, Dick Ballantine is here to distill all the crap and baloney down to a healthy and essential dram of something I like to refer to as “the Truth!”

Oh, and by the way, Ballantine’s Finest tastes like every other garden-variety Blended Scotch: NOSE – boozy and sweet, with piss. PALATE – Sweet and light, with piss and booze. TEXTURE – thin and piss-like. FINISH – cat piss, if cats drank booze.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline: Earth.


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Breaking News: Kevin O’Leary Still on TV Despite Being Sh!t

TORONTO, ON, Canada, (DE) - Dateline Earth has learned Kevin O’ Leary is still shite. In other news: O’ Leary Funds continue to suck, however, like many other crack-smoking conservatives in this city, or Ben Bernanke snorting cash straight off the printing press in Washington, Ol’ Crome Dome is so hopped-up on goof-balls and Shiraz that he’s got no idea just how bad the situation is. And if that wasn’t enough!? The sonofab!tch is STILL on television, which is sick and gross and bad for your health.

Sucking the government tit: O' Leary on another government-funded TV show that sucks.

Sucking the government tit: O’ Leary on another government-funded TV show that sucks.

Look, I’m not gonna sugar-coat this for the sake of the CBC. Dick Ballantine generally loves the CBC. But Dick Ballantine has something to get off his chest: You know that CBC Dragon Show? Lizard Ranch? Dragon Something…You know the show: where the badly-dressed and un-funny, asshole, rich-people sit on a stage and make fun of dumb guys begging for cash? Well, it’s shit. It’s also sick and grosslike porn for lame-ass, adult-contemporary, vanilla-flavored, corporate approval-junkies. The show makes Dick Ballantine puke.

And if I ever see O’ Leary on the street, he better get his gloves off quick, cause I’m gonna bitch-slap him, like I bitch-slapped Dick Cheney in Miami, Florida.

Cheney just prior to being taken out to the wood-shed by Ballantine.

Cheney just prior to being firmly escorted out to the wood-shed by Big-Daddy Ballantine.

Be that as it may, the height of hypocrisy is that this O’ Leary guy, loves to play the big butter-and-egg man from Chicago while spewing his puss-filled nonsense to the eternally mesmerized Amanda Lang, on yet another government subsidized show for @ssholes called, The Lang and O’Leary Economics Amateur Hour. Dick Ballantine has an idea: instead of shopping for a another pair of shoes, Amanda Lang should do the world a friggin’ favor and tattoo a warning label on her esteemed colleague’s, giant, bald head. Could read as follows: Warning! This guy is a friggin’ clown who doesn’t know his ass from Page 9 and is totally full of sh!t.

You see, O’ Leary is the type of sleazy moron who tries to convince people that “the market” will magically fix all the problems of the world. He supports unbridled  deregulation of everything, despite the fact that out-of-control deregulation f@cked the economy in 2008 and led to the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression. He hates government involvement in the economy, and yet has a boner for China and applauds Lisa Raitt infringing on middle-class Canadian’s Democratic rights to collective bargaining. He also spends much of his spare time wishing he was Jamie Dimon, thinks Margaret Thatcher was a hero and voted for George W. Bush…twice!

But wait, it get’s better: your tax dollars are paying Mr. Wonderful’s salary each and every day, because this guy works just down the street at the CBC (which is, in fact, a Crown Corporation). And, since O’Leary funds are tanking, his business career was a bust, his wine sucks-ass and he is wrong on everything…a government job is about all this loser can get. If it wasn’t for constantly sucking off the tax-payer tit, he’d be broke. He’d be crawling around in the gutter on Bay Street, begging for a job.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.

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Conservative Crack-Cocaine Epidemic…Wallin’s Hair Unreasonable

OTTAWA, Canada (DE) – It’s official – the Canadian political landscape is dealing with a major crack-cocaine epidemic. Earlier this week, the shocking allegations that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (see article below), has turned into a Justin-Trudeau-hating, crack-smoker, sent shock-waves around the civilized world. And today, more bad news for the fascists, as rumors continue to surface alleging Prime Minister Stephen Harper was also high on crack when he referred to Senator Pamela Wallin’s, $350, 000.00 worth of travel expenses as “reasonable.”

Wallin's Hair: unreasonable.

Wallin’s Hair: unreasonably large and totally unjustified…just like her travel expenses.

To put this in perspective, $350, 000.00 is approximately SEVEN TIMES the average Canadian’s TOTAL income. In fact, it has been reported that the Senator’s latest hair-style, which is also ridiculously large and nearly as bad as her expense report, recently threatened to resign over the matter.

Dick Ballantine for Dateline Earth.

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Rob Ford Smokes Crack? Ballantine Begs To Differ

TORONTO, ON., Canada (DE) – Rob Ford is a crackhead? Dick Ballantine is shocked and chagrined, disappointed and dismayed. But even more so, Dick Ballantine is skeptical of the validity of these heinous and salacious accusations. How is it, in the name of everything that is Holy, that Rob Ford, Champion Mayor of the Great City of Toronto, finds himself mired in the stench of a now international-sized scandal, alleging an addiction to crack-cocaine and a dislike of Justin Trudeau? I call bullsh!t!…because who doesn’t like Justin Trudeau, right!? Also, maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but I thought people on crack were supposed to be, um…thinner? No, there is another explanation here. One that requires a modicum of empathy and understanding…let Dick Ballantine provide some insight on the matter.

Rob Ford in da House: The Fordmeister checks in to Jane and Finch Weight-Loss Clinic.

Rob Ford checks in to the Jane and Finch Weight-Loss Clinic.

I’ve partied with Rob Ford and I can attest to the fact that he is, in fact, an absolute wild animal after eighteen or twenty beers. A really large wild animal, with a super-natural capacity for consuming enormous amounts of alcohol…mainly because of his girth. But one thing Rob Ford is not, is a crack-head. There is a distinct and stark difference between being a regular smoker of crack cocaine and what Mr. Ford was allegedly caught on tape doing…which was as follows:

The Golden Buffalo performs mating ritual in it's natural habitat.

The Golden Buffalo in it’s natural habitat.

After innocently knocking back a couple of cases of beer, a half-bottle of Stolychnaya vodka and smoking two ounces of Mexican Tied-Stick, Mr. Ford stumbled a bit offside, like a kind of big, cuddly, Golden Buffalo, and suddenly, and by complete unanticipated happenstance, found himself in a shady motel room in the west end of the city. Mr. Ford arrived at said motel room, ostensibly under the assumption that he was attending a fund raiser for Senator Mike Duffy, and that the room was in fact rented under Senator Pamela Wallin’s name and appropriately written off at tax-payer expense. At that point, The Fordmeister General, being clearly inebriated, his mental faculties being impaired, was handed what he thought was a “hash-pipe” and mistakenly “hit the rock”. A short time later, the Mayor allegedly called Justin Trudeau a “fag” and proceeded to pour an entire jar of mustard all over his bear chest…all of which was, again allegedly, captured on video.

So? So what!? So, big f@cking deal. That’s nothing! That’s a Tuesday night in many parts of the civilized world. It’s barely a Monday morning for a member of the Kennedy clan. This kind of thing has a tendency to happen at the highest levels of public office and should always be viewed or regarded, as a kind of bi-product of the high-powered “alpha” temperament and drive that is inherent in any world class politician. So, lets not be too quick to rush to judgement here, before we are in possession of all the facts, lest we rid ourselves, unnecessarily, of yet another gifted and righteous politician.

Dick Ballantine, Dateline Earth.

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