Rob Ford Smokes Crack? Ballantine Begs To Differ

TORONTO, ON., Canada (DE) – Rob Ford is a crackhead? Dick Ballantine is shocked and chagrined, disappointed and dismayed. But even more so, Dick Ballantine is skeptical of the validity of these heinous and salacious accusations. How is it, in the name of everything that is Holy, that Rob Ford, Champion Mayor of the Great City of Toronto, finds himself mired in the stench of a now international-sized scandal, alleging an addiction to crack-cocaine and a dislike of Justin Trudeau? I call bullsh!t!…because who doesn’t like Justin Trudeau, right!? Also, maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but I thought people on crack were supposed to be, um…thinner? No, there is another explanation here. One that requires a modicum of empathy and understanding…let Dick Ballantine provide some insight on the matter.

Rob Ford checks in to the Jane and Finch Weight-Loss Clinic.

I’ve partied with Rob Ford and I can attest to the fact that he is an absolute wild animal after eighteen or twenty beers. A really large wild animal, with a super-natural capacity for consuming enormous amounts of alcohol…mainly because of his girth. But one thing Rob Ford is not, is a crack-head. There is a distinct and stark difference between being a regular smoker of crack cocaine and what Mr. Ford was allegedly caught on tape doing…which was as follows:

The Golden Buffalo in it’s natural habitat.

After innocently knocking back a couple of cases of beer, a half-bottle of Stolychnaya vodka and smoking two ounces of Mexican Tied-Stick, Mr. Ford stumbled a bit offside, like a kind of big, cuddly, Golden Buffalo, and suddenly, and by complete unanticipated happenstance, found himself in a shady motel room in the west end of the city. Mr. Ford arrived at said motel room, ostensibly under the assumption that he was attending a fund raiser for Senator Mike Duffy, and that the room was in fact rented under Senator Pamela Wallin’s name and appropriately written off at tax-payer expense. At that point, The Fordmeister General, being clearly inebriated, his mental faculties being impaired, was handed what he thought was a “hash-pipe” and mistakenly “hit the rock”. A short time later, the Mayor allegedly called Justin Trudeau a “fag” and proceeded to pour an entire jar of mustard all over his bear chest…all of which was, again allegedly, captured on video.

So? So what!? So, big f@cking deal. That’s nothing! That’s a Tuesday night in many parts of the civilized world. It’s barely a Monday morning for a member of the Kennedy clan. This kind of thing has a tendency to happen at the highest levels of public office and should always be viewed or regarded, as a kind of bi-product of the high-powered “alpha” temperament and drive that is inherent in any world class politician. So, lets not be too quick to rush to judgement here, before we are in possession of all the facts, lest we rid ourselves, unnecessarily, of yet another gifted and righteous politician.

Dick Ballantine, Dateline Earth.